Does this situation sound familiar?
Teen-age son gets into the car after basketball practice and starts complaining that the coach was too hard on him. Dad is trying to understand what happened and the situation escalates.
Son: “I hate basketball and I hate my coach. He is such an idiot and he totally hates me.”
Dad: “Why? What happened?”
Son: “He made us run extra laps today just because some of the kids weren’t listening.”
Dad: “Really? What happened?”
Son: “He was talking to us at the end of practice and some of the guys were messing around and so he got all mad and made us run laps.”
Dad: “It sounds like he was pretty frustrated with you guys. So, who was doing all the talking?”
Son: “Well me and my buddies, but it’s not like everyone doesn’t do it and he just flipped out.”
Dad: “Well it sounds like your coach was trying to make a point about you guys needing to pay more attention and show him some respect.”
Son: “I knew you wouldn’t listen to me. You just don’t get it. He was being a complete jerk and you are taking his side.”
Son: slams his hand on the dashboard of the car and refuses to speak for the rest of the ride home.
Dad:: “I understand why you are upset and I am not trying to take anyone’s side. I was just hoping you might try to see why your coach reacted the way he did.”
Your teen's temper flares. They yell at you or a sibling, slam a door or throw something. What are the sources of this angry outburst over seemingly minor events?
Stress, for one. The stress to get good grades and to meet your expectations, to fit in with their peers, to get through an impossible day of extra-curricular activities, part-time jobs, social and family obligations can be overwhelming.
Then there are the natural hormonal changes taking place within your teenager's body. Changes that can put them on a roller-coaster ride of mood swings and edgy emotions.
Anger is a normal, common emotion, but because anger can be such a powerful feeling, taming it can be a challenge for you and your teen.
The key is to teach your teen the self-awareness and self-control to manage their angry feelings in a constructive way.
What you can do
Encourage your teen:
- Praise your teen when they keep their cool in a potentially volatile situation.
- Set a good example--don't fly off the handle yourself or over-react to an outburst. Stay calm and logical in order to keep an argument from escalating. Listen and respond.
- Share with them that everyone gets angry--it's how we deal with it that counts. Set clear ground rules and consequences for inappropriate behavior.
- Explain to them that anger management takes practice--it’s a learned skill like playing the guitar or skiing.
- Let them know that going through life with a bad temper will cost them friendships, opportunities and the respect of others.
Help your teen look within themselves (self-awareness):
- Encourage them to tune into their feelings and think about the real cause of their anger.
- Help them recognize anger may come from things that have happened to them in the past as well as in the present.
- Teach them to stop and think before reacting to a situation and then review later what worked and what didn't work.
- Role play different ways to deal with a difficult situation.
- Explain that repressing anger can be as harmful as acting it out.
Strengthen your teen's self-control:
- Remind them to stop and think before they act impulsively and lose their temper.
- Motivate your teen to think through the consequences before they blow their top.
- Ask them to put what is bothering them into words, not acts.
Strategies you can share with your teen:
- Recommend they look for other healthy ways to deal with their anger like--
take some time and space to cool off, exercise, listen to music, talk about their feelings with you or someone else they trust, do something creative to express their feelings like artwork or journaling, try some relaxation techniques like deep breathing.
When is anger a sign of a more serious problem?
If your teen shows any of these signs or symptoms of a more serious emotional issue, it may be time to talk to a school counselor, your medical provider or other mental health professional
- your teen gets into fights or arguments frequently
- your teen has long-lasting feelings of anger over things that have
- happened in the past or that are happening now
- your teen is constantly angry with themselves and talks about hurting themselves or someone else your teen is in a difficult life situation that gives them reason to be angry.
For more information about helping your teen cope with anger, check out these other resources:
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