Does this situation sound familiar?
Daughter asks father for permission to go to a party that does not sound well supervised.
Daughter: “Dad, can I go to a party at Kelsey’s on Friday night?”
Dad: “Kelsey? I don’t think I know her. Is she a new friend?”
Daughter: “Yeah, she is really cool and she is having a party at her house. Can I go?”
Dad: “Who is going to be there?”
Daughter: “A whole bunch of kids from school are going.”
Dad: “Where does she live and are her parents going to be home?”
Daughter: “She lives over by the high school and I don’t know.”
Dad: “Well, what time is this party?”
Daughter: ”It starts at 9:30 and goes until midnight.”
Dad: ”Wow! That’s pretty late isn’t it? That’s after your curfew. I would need to talk with her parents before your mother and I would consider letting you go. And you would have to come home at 11:00.”
Daughter: “You are being so unfair. Everyone is going and why can’t I stay out a little late just this once?
Dad: “We’ve talked about drugs and alcohol in the past and I want to make sure this isn’t an unsafe situation. Besides you are my daughter and I love you.”
By the time your child is a teenager, they are likely to know other kids who use or abuse alcohol or drugs, who drive recklessly or are having sex. The consequences of these risky behaviors can be life altering--even life threatening. That's why it's important you establish an open dialog with your teen about these serious issues.
Alcohol
Although experimentation with alcohol may be common among kids, it's not safe or legal. Alcohol interferes with a person's perception of reality and their ability to make good decisions and handle their emotions. This can be particularly hazardous for teens, who have less problem-solving and decision-making experience.
Drinking or getting drunk can also lead to other poor decisions like unsafe sex, tobacco or drug use, or driving under the influence. Driving under the influence can be a grave problem for a teen. In addition to fines and jail time, there is the chance a child or someone else may be seriously injured or killed.
Drugs
No parent, child or family is immune to the effects of drugs. Some of the best teens can end up in trouble, even when they've tried to avoid them and been given proper guidance from their parents.
Teenagers abuse a variety of drugs, both legal and illegal. Legally available drugs include prescribed medications, inhalants (fumes from glues, aerosols and solvents), and over-the-counter cough, cold, sleep and diet medications. The most commonly used illegal drugs are marijuana (pot), stimulants (cocaine, crack and speed), LSD, PCP, opiates, heroin and designer drugs (Ecstasy). The use of illegal drugs is on the rise, especially among teens. For instance, the average age of first marijuana use is 14.
The key is to begin talking to your child about alcohol and drug use at an early age and to continue communicating about it as they grow up.
What you can do
Know the warning signs of drug or alcohol use:
- Physical--repeated health complaints, fatigue, red and glazed eyes, a lasting cough.
- Emotional--personality changes, sudden mood changes, irritability, irresponsible behavior, poor judgment, depression, low self-esteem.
- Family problems--a teen is argumentative, breaks rules and withdraws.
- School problems--negative attitude, many absences, truancies, discipline problems and a drop in grades.
- Social problems--a teen has new friends less interested in traditional activities, problems with the law and a change to less conventional styles in dress and music.
- Some of the warning signs listed above can also be signs of other problems. It's important for you to recognize signs of trouble but don't rush to judgment and make your own diagnosis. Openly discuss the use and possible abuse of alcohol or drugs with your teen.
- Consulting a physician to rule out physical causes of the warning signs is another good first step. This is sometimes followed up by a comprehensive evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist.
Talking to your teen about alcohol and drug use
The teenage years are a time of learning and discovery, so it's important for you, as a responsible parent, to provide a home environment that allows and encourages your child to ask questions. Be prepared, though. Your child may ask questions that are tough to answer, but creating an open atmosphere for an honest dialog early on will set the stage for good communication later on when difficult topics come up for discussion.
By the time your child is a teenager, they'll be very familiar with the facts about alcohol and drug abuse. Also, they should have been exposed to your attitudes and beliefs about substance abuse.
This will help: Making your teenager feel accepted and respected as an individual will increase the chances your child will open up to you. Like all of us, kids like to be liked and accepted by their peers. They need a certain degree of privacy and trust. You can help show your teen that you respect them by avoiding excessive preaching and threats.
Teach your child to say no
- Tell your teen to ask questions. If they are offered an unknown substance, they can ask, "What is it?" or "Where did you get it?"
- Make sure your teen knows to never accept a ride from someone who has been drinking or doing drugs. Some parents find that offering to pick up their teens if they're in an uncomfortable situation--no questions asked--helps encourage kids to be honest and call when they need help.
- Remind your teen to always leave a situation they are uncomfortable with. Make sure they have transportation money and phone numbers for you and another responsible adult.
- And of course, encourage your teen to say "no thanks" when offered a drug or alcoholic drink.
Contract their responsible behavior
Consider establishing a verbal or written contract with your teen that stipulates rules for when your teenager goes out or uses the car. For example, you promise to pick your teen up at any time (even 2 a.m.!) without asking questions if they call you when the person responsible for driving has been drinking or using drugs. Also, if you find that someone drank or used drugs in your car while your child was behind the wheel, you will suspend your teen's driving privileges for an agreed on amount of time.
Not wanting to jeopardize the relationships between themselves and the adults who care about them is the most common reason teens give for not using alcohol and drugs.
Other steps you can take:
Educate yourself about alcohol and drug abuse so you can be a better teacher to your child.
- Build your teen's self-esteem--emphasize their strengths.
- Encourage your child to deal with stress in healthy ways. Drinking alcohol or taking drugs only makes a bad situation worse.
- Be a role model--consider how your use of alcohol or medications may influence your teen.
Risk factors
Teenagers at risk for developing alcohol and drug problems include those--
• with a family history of substance abuse
• who are depressed
• who have low self-esteem
• who feel they don't fit in
• who are going through a time of transition (like a divorce or move)
• who do not feel connected with their families
Teen sex
Talking to your child about love, intimacy and sex is an important part of parenting. Parents can facilitate this by creating a comfortable atmosphere in which to talk to their children about these issues. Yet many parents postpone this discussion or avoid it altogether.
Each year one million teenage girls become pregnant in this country, and three million teens get a sexually transmitted disease (STD). As a concerned parent, you need to give your teen input and guidance to help them make healthy and appropriate decisions regarding their sexual behavior.
Teenagers need not only the biological basics they get in health classes at school--they need to hear from you, too. Thoughtful but frank talk about sexuality before sexual experimentation begins may open lines of future communication about your teen's sexual anxieties and behavior.
Talking to your teen about sex:
- Be proactive instead of reactive. Initiate the conversation--don't wait for your teen to come to you. Teens whose parents discuss sex openly with them are more likely to wait to have sexual intercourse than their uninformed peers. The issues of pregnancy and contraception are equally important for boys and girls to understand.
- Encourage your teen to talk and ask questions. Maintain a calm and non-critical atmosphere--use words that are comfortable and understandable.
- Relate sex to love, intimacy, caring and respect for oneself and one's partner.
- Avoid scaring your teen into abstinence. If your teen is feeling rebellious, scare tactics may push them over the edge or scare them so badly that later it will prove a burden to enjoying an adult sexual relationship.
- Help your teen understand that sex is more than intercourse. Sex is an act that also involves the feelings of both partners.
- No means no. Make them know that a truly loving relationship between two people doesn't involve coercion of any kind.
- Respect your teen's privacy. As an example, the minute your daughter walks in from a date, don't demand to know what happened. Let her know you trust her. Stress, however, that if she is being sexually active or considering it, you expect her to behave responsibly.
- Avoid overreacting. If your teen comes to you with a question about AIDS, for example, don't automatically assume they've been exposed to the virus. Answer the question without accusations. Later you can ask if there was a particular reason for their question. Use the topic to keep the channel of communication open.
- Be willing to share your personal values about sexual behavior.
- Help your child to consider the pros and cons of their choices.
- Keep your sense of humor--don't be afraid to share your own discomfort.
For more information about helping your teen cope with risky behaviors, check out these other resources:
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